Yep, it’s that time of year again...
Hidden in amongst a rainy and depressing February, there is
a glimmer of light on the horizon.
A day of pure love, romance, and smug coupled up people
flaunting their happiness to the world.
The day is of course Valentines Day.
Now, if your worried that I may be losing my cynical edge,
fear not readers. I am not about go all mushy and start talking about the
wonders of true love, and how it completes me on every level.
Nope, instead I
wanted to write this post to clear a few things up…
Firstly. I think valentines day is shit.
I have come to this conclusion from my years of
experience…I’ve had despondently single ones, happily single ones, happily in
love ones, and now my first married one is here.
Frankly, whether your ‘coupled up’, or 100% single, it’s
all Bollocks.
And if you don’t believe me, check out my top 10 LIES about
Valentines Day:
-
All
Couples are Loved up. Categorically not true. The only ones who feel this
way are the ones who are in the ‘honeymoon’ phase and don’t actually KNOW each
other. Mark my words, if you see a supremely happy couple all over each other
at the dinner table, they have been together less than a year. OR, he has got
her very drunk.
-
Woman
LOVE ‘cute’ presents. No we don’t. Unless we are under the age of 16 and
into One Direction. ‘Cute’ means ‘tacky’, and ‘tacky’ means ‘SHIT’. This
includes teddy bears, fake flowers, heart keyrings, and mugs that say things
like ‘snuggle bum’.
If you want to buy us a present then make it useful or
expensive.
-
It’s the
perfect day for a first date. It’s not. Wherever you go, people will assume
you are a couple, and the pressure will be overwhelming. Do you bring a card?
Flowers? AWKWARD. Just save yourself the bother (and the increased prices) and
do it the day after.
-
If
someone fancies you, they will buy you a card. False. I’m not sure people
even buy cards anymore, they would probably just ‘whatsapp’ you or some other
equally grand gesture.
Or, If your
really lucky they might ‘snap chat’ you a picture of their privates. I think
it’s fair to say that traditional romance is on it’s way out.
-
Random
sh^t becomes sexy. Since when was a bondage teddy a turn on?
Or cheap
fluffy handcuffs for that matter? It’s all rather disturbing really. The retail
giants have obviously decided that if they combine cute (for us ‘air head’
women), and sexy (for the men) then they can sell this utter crap by the bucket
load.
As in ‘Here look at this cuddly red devil…does it give you the horn?
Grrrr baby’…WTF??
-
All
couples do the wild thing. Myth.
A bit like the myth that all couples ‘do
it’ on their wedding night. Simply not true. Besides, there is nothing less
sexy, than being told by Clinton cards what you should be doing in bed on any
particular day.
-
If your
other half forgets it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It sort of does
actually.
At least this is what I told the hubster last year when he I reminded
him at 10pm the night before, only to be told ‘oh bollocks. I forgot’.
My exact
words were along the lines of; ‘if you can’t be arsed to buy me a shitty card
and pick up a pen to write something nice, then you obviously don’t love me at
all. You are a wank.head’ and off I went to bed.
Just because I think
valentines is stupid, doesn’t mean I don’t want a card (double standards are my
thing).
-
All
single women are desperate. Not the case at all.
The date on the calendar doesn’t
make most single women run screaming to their ovulation sticks. In fact, in my
experience, it can make them a little ‘anti-men’. I’ve seen some serious ‘girls
nights out’ taking place on valentines; think extraordinarily loud renditions
of ‘I will survive’, and slut dropping to ‘single ladies’.
You would have to be
a very brave man to approach them. In fact, I’d go so far as to say ‘Just don’t’.
-
Women
should wear red/lacy/uncomfortable underwear. Why???
To ‘please my man??’.
WTF is all this about? Why do we women have to strut about in ghastly stripper
shoes, and a synthetic red thong to be aesthetically pleasing to our men? And yet
they get away with a pair of baggy skidders and a dirty smile?
How about
this…if your man buys you some ‘sexy’ underwear this year, agree to wear it on
the condition that HE dresses up for YOU too. Tell him you’ve got a thing about
Fireman Sam, or even better….Darth Vader. That should get you out of it.
Or, if
he does agree, at least you’ll get a cracking laugh out of it.
-
Romantic
music is a must. That all depends really. A bit of Sade, or
perhaps some stevie Wonder is okay, but the line should be drawn at Lionel Richie. In fact,
anything that’s too cheesy and farcicle makes me want to spit out my wine.
That
means NO overly sexy RnB ‘Oooohhh yeaaaayy. I wanna lay yooouu down babbbyyy.
Put your bodddyyy on myyy body’.
No Barry White, and.... 100000% NO performances. I
don’t care if you can sing or not. Put your.guitar. down. Immediately. You are
not Ed Sheeran – even if you were, I would be cringing like a mofo.
So there you have it.
Enjoy your day whatever (or whoever) you may be doing. If
nothing else, at least it’s Friday.
x
