Considering that I rarely stop rambling on, one might think I would be delighted to sit and happily tip tap at my typewriter on one of my favourite subjects - me. But actually it's not as easy as it sounds.
What should I say? I pondered. Should I lie, and make myself sound considerably more interesting? Will it matter that I haven't been backpacking in Peru or fought off a life threatening illness? I haven't even got any addictions or bizarre sexual orientations (well I don't think they're bizarre anyway). I'm just me, and like most women, that means wearing a variety of hats, many of which contradict each other massively. But then that's why I wanted to start this blog anyway....
So, in the end, after much soul searching, I have decided to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (well pretty much – you haven’t asked me to sign a disclaimer after all). Here goes….
* I'm Mum to 2 year old Nate (he is a 'character' which is a polite way of saying little sh&t). My expectations of motherhood were a tad nieve to say the least. I should probably cover myself here by saying I LOVE MY CHILD in case any of my blog posts suggest differently and gets me in trouble with the 'proper' mums.
* I'm married to Leon. He is quite possibly the most male man in existence, and actually grunts when hungry or requiring something, like a Neanderthal. Some of our friends refer to us as Shrek and Princess Fiona which is sweet. On our wedding day I accidentally turned up drunk. He is T total and wasn't thrilled. Actually, on our wedding night he referred to the day as a 'disaster' and one of the 'worst of his life'. Who said romance was dead hey? On the plus side, we are still together and I'm pretty sure we are still in love...I must remember to ask him at some point.
* I work in PR & Events - weddings, parties etc. I LOVE my job, but it can be awkward explaining that I will be leaving said event by 8pm to go to bed, before I turn into a pumpkin, and because I don't actually really like parties on account of my being a natural hermit.
* I have my own business writing poems for people. Extremely rude, personal and funny ones. People (friends and family in honesty) pay me to write them for birthdays, and wedding speeches and things like that. Obviously if you want to HIRE ME then just get in touch....
* I am a massive under achiever. At primary school it was predicted that I would conquer the world. The teachers actually made me give assemblies when I was 9, and asked me how to spell things. I thought that life was incredibly easy – then I became a teenager and decided differently. I failed most of my exams, spent a lot of time getting drunk, and resenting my days waitressing. Well, they do say hindsight is a wonderful thing.
* I have worked more jobs than most people you will have met.....cleaner in a supermarket (''cleaner to aisle 2. Spilt cream''....ffs), call centre staff, Waitress, Chef (I can't cook). The funniest was when I worked as a manager for an all male building company. I certainly learned to hold my own. They used to describe me as ‘a jumped up secretary’ (not to my face of course), which was interesting as my touch typing is truly terrible.
Stuff I Like:-
Coffee champagne and over brewed tea (half my family are northern)
Eating (but NOT cooking)
Overspending on useless Ebay items
Peoples comments on Daily Mail articles (endlessly entertaining)
Writing .... emails, tweets, blogging, funny poems, offensive stuff etc
Stuff I Don't:-
Shitty crafts (wow! a teddy bear made out of buttons). nb crafters, I DO appreciate the good stuff.
Lack of sleep (I was less of a bit%h before my son was born)
Rudeness. If everyone could just be polite to each other the world would be way nicer.
Overly swishy ponytails (I hope this doesn't alienate too many readers)
Good looking men that think you fancy them when you DON'T
Thats it really! Hope you enjoy 'Mummy said What!?'
